The Everlasting Desert starts off as a ball of something, maybe ice cream or maybe a vanilla sweetened mascarpone that has been frozen? Not a necessarily big ball, maybe only about 2” in diameter. Cover the whole thing in a thin crispy batter and deep fry it. Then cover that in something else, in this case, mashed banana, then batter and deep fry it. Next up can be some peanut butter, and, you guessed it, batter and deep fry. Why stop there? Nutella comes next, then golden syrup. Keep on going until you’re satisfied, slice it up and serve.
It’s going to be wonderful, both the beauty and the beast.

Forgive me father for I will sin.

There was only one big player when it came to tablets last year, one and a half if you include the Samsung Galaxy S. We all know I’m talking about the iPad. I snapped one up from the states when I had the chance, and I love it. And now we’re coming up to around a year since it came out, so we’re about to see the next version of the device that causes so much debate. But this year, there is going to be serious competition to Apple’s crown.

Apple – iPad 2 and iPhone 5

iPad 2: Some sort of amazing new sound tech?

When apple release a new line of products, they tend to dip their toe in the water with a “Not quite everything that’s possible will be done” way. The first iPhone was a very basic phone compared to the technology around at the time, it had a few ‘wow’ factors, the screen was one of the first to use ‘captive’ technology, when you clicked on things, things actually happened first time around. But it was still only ‘2G’, when middle line phones were ‘3G’. Same thing has happened with the iPad. Apple was launching “Facetime”, set to be the future of communications, video calling, but it wasn’t included on the iPad, even though it was being introduced even on the iPod Touch. Why? Some would say they wanted to refine the technology, but the more cynical in me is saying it is because when they launch it in the iPad 2, it’ll be a ‘new feature’. It will also have a back facing camera, which I believe will be a bit useless, imagine holding a book to take a photo, it’s just not practical.

• Front facing camera – For video calling.
• Back facing camera – Pointless
• ‘Retina Display’ – A higher screen resolution, as high as the eye can see, ala the iPhone 4. Trouble with this is that it would be a ridiculously large resolution, bigger than any TV on the market, in a 10” device.
• No ‘3G’ version, maybe (see ‘iPhone 5’).
• Some sort of ‘High Def’ or ‘3D’ sound system.

Apple’s direction seems to be moving into the connected home, using your iPhone as a remote control for your television. They’ve developed something called “AirPlay”, where you can seamlessly transfer video from one device to another. Your iPad could act like an interactive Radio Times. And the main thing with the connection to a television is; it’s more than affordable. I think we’re going to see a high def Apple TV this year too.

The personal Hotspot - Great for me, might piss off a few though.

In the latest features iOS (the operating system that runs iPhone/iPad/Touch/TV), they have something called a ‘personal hotspot’; this will connect your iPad to the Internet via your iPhone. A lot of people will be very angry by this; it will cause an absolute uproar. People have signed up 2-year deals at £20-30/month to get their iPad online, and I think most people with an iPad have an iPhone. Not only that, they’ve spent an extra £100 for this on their iPad. This contract they’re locked into will now be redundant with this feature. Naturally it won’t be free, but I expect it would still be a lot less than £20-30. You will need your phone operator’s blessing for this, but I expect that it won’t cost more than £10 a month, and it will get your laptop online too. People simply aren’t using their mobile bandwidth allowances, so aren’t upgrading them. By letting people use their allowances, people will be upgrading them, and everyone is making more money.

I’m not entirely sure what is going to happen with iPhone 5, they will change their antenna from the problems of last year, maybe upgrade the camera. I would love to see a new lock screen with some sort of widget system in place, so while your phone is locked, you can see your last texts/missed-calls and all that, but that also provides a risk in the respect that someone can take a peek at your phone and see that saucy message from Nancy from Hollyoaks. I would love for that to be up to developers to do what they want with, so the whole thing is optional and people can display, say, the weather, an RSS feed, Tweets and Facebook feeds, or scores from a video game. Whatever people think up really.

I think we might also see an ‘iPad Mini‘, a 7" version made for the ebook reader market.

I would like to see more usage of Ping and Game centre too, but I’m not entirely sure how.
They’ll be plenty more devices that’ll be able to connect to Apple products, such as car radios, TVs and…ermm… kettles.

Blackberry Playbook.

Blackberry is entering the world of Tablet computing. For some reason that is obscure to me, people like Blackberry. I’m not going to get into a flame war about Blackberry, but RIM seem to know how to market their products well. Pretty much every celeb out there has one, and they speak high praise of them. They were designed to be cheap for big companies to buy en-mass and handle communications, but they’ve sponsored MTV and managed to get it to be a device that every teenager in the country wants. RIM, the makers of Blackberry, have bought the Swedish design firm ‘The Astonishing Tribe’, so are hoping with sleek design and integration with their phones, it’ll become a product people lust after. I’ll be honest, the Playbook looks good, and if it’s at the right price, it could end up in school satchels and handed around conformance rooms alike.

I think their design is going to take a change of direction design wise, it’s currently to clonky for my liking, I would like to see it to be more smooth and slick, and more usage of touch screen.

Android

Android is going to make a few changes, they’ve got a new version coming out called Honeycomb that is designed for tablets, and so we’ll see a whole range of android tablets coming out. From the relatively cheap random Chinese markets, to the more established brands such as Motorola. It will continue to develop into something that non-geeks will love. The likes of HTC and Sony will come out with versions that have their own skins, making it all smooth and sleek, and seamless with social networks.

HP / Palm.

The HP Topaz: Looking good.

I think this is the hidden gem of the year; I’ve always loved their operating system, WebOS, and this year we’re going to see loads of phones and tablets making use of this amazing operating system. Palm never, in my opinion, backed up the amazing software with any good Hardware, but I can’t imagine HP will let their investment go on the side. They’re doing a big launch on the 9th of Feb, and we’ll see some real ‘wow’ technology.

Nintendo

Nintendo are going to launch the ‘3DS’, the world’s first true 3D video games console. It’ll be a big hit and sale out straight away. Continuing with Nintendo’s desire for innovation, they’ll be a huge range of ‘Augmented Reality’ games. You would be able to hold up a card to the camera and through the screen the card will turn into a monster. This is such huge potential for card manufactures; imagine playing Top Trumps or Pokémon style cards where creatures pop up and fight. I generally find that Nintendo consoles don’t last with me, I get ‘wow’d by the new technology but bored of the games and sale it on, and this will be no different… still want one though.

I think at E3 this year, they’ll hint towards a High Def version of the Wii, but we won’t see anything for it until at least the middle of next year. They’ve got something coming out that’ll allow games to react to your pulse, and that’ll be their next big move, however, I think it’ll be a gimmick.

Microsoft 360, Windows Mobile 7, Windows 8.

We’ll see more kinect stuff and more merging of Windows Mobile 7 and Xbox. Maybe even seeing Xbox Live bought more to the desktop. I think we’ll also see a tablet version of Windows Mobile 7. Cloud Computing will be the big thing for Microsoft, aiming to get as little information on your computer and more on the internet in general… to the point where you can go to any computer, put in your details, and it’ll be like that is your main home computer, where ever you are. Even expanding this to their mobiles.

Sony: PSP2.

This year we’ll see the start of the new playstation portable, apparently as powerful as a playstation 3. I’ve heard a lot of rumours that this will have a phone built in, and I really hope it doesn’t. If it does, it means contracts and high prices. I think games will be bought via the Internet, which will be a big problem for retail stores. Although video games in general are moving towards digital purchasing, such as that with movies and music, it’ll be a shame for people buying presents; sometimes something physical is nice and exciting.

Movies

X-men: The First Class - OH BOY

I’ve said this from the beginning, Will Smith to play Barack Obama in his life’s movie.  I’m looking forward to the new X-MEN film, about the early years of how they all started out, and the merging of Marvel brands. I think we’ll see the announcement of a new Iron Man movie. They are doing a Thor movie too, and The Avengers (which will merge quite a few well known Marvel superheroes).

Video Games

I’m extremely looking forward towards Portal 2, more so than any game in years and years. I’m going to be getting the Playstation 3 version as that comes with the Mac/Windows one too. Awesomeness.

Kindle Colour

Just a guess.

I’ll be honest, I’m not watching it intently, I had a lovely conversation with my flatmate Russell about the benefits of desktop replacement laptops and what would be the best solution for a mobile DJ. We came to the realisation that whatever laptop he decides to go for, it would need neon lighting. I also was texting a fabulously yet permantly-unavailable girl ideas for her impending wedding; and I’ve suggested the best ideas to make the big day to involve a big fight leading to her future eligibility. Another thing I’ve been doing is looking at pictures of my Cousin’s trip to Alton Towers, and now it’s stuck in my head that is my new purpose in life, seeing as how project Stumble Woof (getting a dog with three legs) and Pardon Meow (getting a deaf cat) isn’t going to happen any time soon. I’m also writing this and wondering what to have for dinner tonight.

Anyway, from what I gather with this movie, it’s about a girl who is a pop star, she seems a very good pop star. Or if not ‘good’, at least, ‘popular’. A popular pop star. She’s blond and has a guitar and can mime it up there with the best of them. Her dad is her manager; I once saw an episode of House where there was a girl whose dad was her manager. He slept with her, but just the once, there was a moment where House stared off into the background and realised that the girl was a boy and that is what was killing her. House saves the day and makes remarks about Cutty’s dress, happy days all round. I don’t think this is the same story. Hannah lives in a city, which is always a good start, as I like films based in urban environments.

I then look up from whatever was distracting me and she was a in field with a horse. Her Dad seems to have forgotten that she is a rock star and now she is a normal girl. I think they’ve changed actresses’ here because now Hannah seems to have red hair; she’s much cuter now but ever so skinny. She’s now living in a small village in the middle of nowhere, and this is where things are taking a turn for the worst. I really don’t understand, was the blond girl before the same girl who’s on the telly now?

There is a property developer who wants to develop this small town and everyone is against it for some reason, I don’t know why exactly, this town looks like it could do with a Brent Cross on it’s outskirts, despite how bad the traffic is around it after the synagogue closes after shubus. During a “Hoe Down” (country and western style, rather than pimp-daddy style), the redhead, who’s name is now “Molly”, who I think is the same person as Hannah, maybe, says she can get Hannah to do a gig to save the town from being a profitable productive town.

The Dad seems to intermittently forget weather her daughter is a pop star called “Hannah Montana” or a country-bumpkin called “Molly”, which makes me feel a lot better because, because if he can’t work it out, then how the hell am I supposed too? I would say it’s a wig, but she seems to change her suntan, clothes and accent too. In fact, her whole personality changes. Is this about schizophrenia? MPD?

Oh no, oh silly girl, if she’s the same one, then she’s just double booked! She’s going on a date with the handsome young stable boy AND giving the concert, her cover would be blown. Wait a sec, if she’s so rich and passionate about “saving the townsfolk” from gainful employment by outside retail investment, why doesn’t she just invest the money from her pop career? This is quite a pickle she’s gotten herself into. I think the morel of this story is never to pretend to be someone else, as you have to remember two sets of everything, and remembering just one set of stuff is hard enough at the best of times.

She’s now the redhead one, Molly, is holding a blond wig, I think the gig is up, the boy of her dreams, the Amish one, is upset. I don’t know why really, if it turned out my girl were a pop superstar, I would think that’s awesome; she could introduce me to Robin Williams and Will Smith maybe. I would try and score as much free stuff as I can, and if it all goes wrong, I could sale my story to Heat magazine, they would lap that shit up. I figure if they’ll pay for “Katie ‘Jordan’ [Surname] “ to get married 4 times, they’ll stump up a tenner for the story of how I found out my girlfriend was actually Nancy From Hollyoaks when I thought she was just a normal girl.

Shit, I just went to the toilet and got distracted by playing Angry Birds, I’ll never quite get to know what Hannah Montana is all about or if she saves the town. Oh didums, never mind. It was based in some small backwards village anyway, don’t like them, can’t relate.

This is Hannah

This is Molly, who is also Hannah

This is Margaret Thatcher, who also might be Hannah.

Vimeo

Me

Forests in films: DULL.

I can’t relate to films based in forests. I find them dull, Generally they’re walking around and it’s tree after tree after tree. There is no change in scenery, except maybe a tent or a tavern or something like that. The more forest scenes, the more boring it is. There are a few exceptions, Jurassic park was mostly forest based but that was OK because they’re dinosaurs.

And I liked that “The Forth Kind” film, but why would aliens come down to kidnap people in a remote town? I guess if they didn’t want everyone knowing that they’re about, then it would be a good idea to pick some outback remote village in the middle of a forest, but then again, why don’t they kidnap some people in a place with even less chance of someone dobbing them in? They could kidnap some people in a tribe in a remote part of Africa as much as they like and nobody would blab about their existence. Or maybe they want people to blab, so wouldn’t it be best if they kidnap people from the middle of New York?

Lord of the rings was the dullest films I’ve ever seen. The first one I went too at the pictures with my friends because we were all like “FUCK YEAH, ORKS”, the second one I went to at the pictures ‘cus this time they promised me a huge battle with orks and monsters, but I feel asleep at the ‘walking through a forest’ bit. So that’s a total of 6 hours of my life wasted watching people walk through a forest. I wasn’t prepared to take the risk with the third one. They might as well filmed the whole thing in Trent Park ‘cus it all looked the same to me. Every now and then they were in fields, which are basically forests with even less hiding space.

The Blair Witch Project, from what I remember, was another boring forest film, the only exciting bit was when they were in a house.

I watched that ‘Avatar’ film the other day, that had a lot of forest bits, but that’s OK because it’s fake forest with neon everywhere. It felt a lot like one of those paintings you see at places like Camden where the paint a planet or some wolves where when you hold it under a black-light. I really like them, but I know people who like art don’t like them, they’re considered on par with Comic Sans and Auto tune. I think if Lord of the Rings had more neon lights, and space ships, I would enjoy it quite a bit more.

I don’t see why people live in places like this, little houses in the middle of nowhere, what do they do when they run out of fags or fancy a mullar light at 3 in the morning? I was in Waltham forest about 6 months ago and we were driving through a forest. Out of nowhere there was a house that someone lived in. If I lived there I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere ‘cus I don’t drive and no buses or trains are near by. It must cost them a fortune to get a cab home after a few drinks. Plus, in the films I’ve seen, they would be a prime candidate for aliens, ghosts or axe murders; It’s just asking for trouble.

My friend was saying that I’m talking rubbish about there being nowhere to hide in a forest, he cited the tail of Robbin Hood, but I disagree. In a forest, if you get a mile square of room, and then get the same mile square in an urban place, there would be plenty more places to hide in an urban setting…. here is a transcript of the conversation.

…. Rosie is in the pink, and I’m in the blue. Tone is a mate she’s copy’n'pasting from.

It’s Christmas time, and it’s time for another assault of smelly stuff adverts on the telly. They all claim to be the vogue of design, an epicentre of luxury. They remind plebs like you and me that we can inspire to be more than what we are. They generally have the latest heartthrob, such as “That bloke from lost” or “That guy who plays football” looking all ‘raw’ and ‘gritty’. They’re doing something typical that everyone does, such as being on a secluded beech when oh-gee-oh-gosh, there is someone attractive of their desired sex. Naturally this object of affection wouldn’t fancy them in they pong a bit, so they spray on the sprtiz and ‘get the girl’. It’s pure dullard central. I think they expect us to put on a bit of spritz and then pull the female lead of “That show that was on telly a few years ago”.

Davidoff Cool Water.

Look, it’s the raw and gritty one from Lost, there he is minding his own business bowling down a harbour. Oh wow, someone is spraying water about at the people, but no, I’m not going to get pissed off that I’ve been soaked by some guy working on a shipping yard splashing water all over me, fuck the fact that my wallet and phone are ruined, I’m going to laugh and bowl a bit more. Oh man, suddenly there is that tart I used to work with, I think, I’m not entirely sure because her character was called “Generic Fit Girl”. She’s soaking wet too, I would launch a complaint against the shipping yard, and they’re all soaking! Sure, it’s a hot day, it would be nice to be cooled down by some water Oh, I just got the point of it, ‘cool water’, it’s a hot day, they’re being splashed down with cool water, that’s the name of the product, how symbolic.

Suddenly he is standing by the edge of a cliff hear the sea, which is no good for a harbour dock, in fact, when launching a boat, it’s generally best for the boat to be at sea level before launching it. Those things are quite heavy; you couldn’t get them up or down a waterfall while keeping the boat’s contents intact. I think we’re all agreed that a terrible place for a shipping yard would be at the top of a cliff.

He strips off his shirt, wouldn’t want it to get wet…. Oh. And dives into the ocean. Don’t worry about the trousers though; they were 3 pairs for £30 from George. I don’t know about you, but I would think twice by diving off a cliff, how does he know there aren’t any shallow rocks? That would cause serious injury. There is even a sign up there saying “Please do not dive off the cliff”, because this remote cliff (well, remote minus great big shipping port) is well known for people who want to jump off into the sea. He’s obviously so cool and edgy that he ignores signs about jumping off cliffs. It’s a local spot for cliff jumpers and suicidals. If you look at when he jumps, you’ll see there is no sort of easily accessible shoreline near the cliff. How is he supposed to get back? I do hope the camera crew will give him a lift.

He’s got the attention of the women on the dock, you can tell by the way the camera turns to her and she looks. I would be thinking, should I have just seen this obviously suicidal man jump off a cliff, “Oh blimey, that man has just jumped off a cliff! I had better go get help!” But it looks like she is thinking differently; she is thinking, “Wow, that man must have a big penis, he just jumped off a cliff!”

So he butterfly stroke swims to shore… the least efficient swimming stroke there is, because now there is a shore for him to go to. He’s back into “Sexy walk” mode, bowling off the beech and cue the product shot.

Chanel No.5

This is a fantastic advert by Chanel; I think it’s the fifth one they made because they call it “No.5”. It stars the very glamorous Nicole Kidman, who has made some amazing films, such as, *checks IMDb*, well, she’s done some very good films. Apparently she used to go out with Tom Cruise.

Anyway, back to the advert, it starts off with a very gritty man who looks like he could do with a shower, but it’s a sexy sort of need-of-shower type, rather than the “I can’t be fucked to shower today” type. There he is, looking over the streets of Paris. Suddenly we’re at the premier of a film and Nicole is in a hurry, she’s wearing an impractically large dress and runs out the cab for the last few minutes. I think we’re in New York’s ‘Time Square’ all of a sudden, that well known place in the heart of Paris. She’s all shocked that the paparazzi are about taking photos; at a premier. They all have cameras from the 1950s despite there being the bright yellow cabs made famous by New York; in Paris.

Apparently she does a runner ‘cus now there are news reports about “That one who played that girl in The Others”. She jumps in a cab again and there is some bloke there, the gritty bloke from before, he’s thinking, “Fuck me, some bint is trying to get into my cab! Look at the fucking dress she’s wearing, there’s no way that is going to fit. Holy shit, it’s Nicole Kidman! I was just watching Bewitched last night on Men4Movies”. She tells the taxi driver “Yo’ Holm, To Bail-Air !”, and he floors it. Personally, I would have stayed in the original car she was in; she doesn’t have a purse on her so maybe she expects Mr Gritty to pay for the fair home.

Then they’re sitting on some rooftop with the Chanel logo in lights, we’re deffo still in New York, or maybe Boston, it just looks like Paris because it’s so dirty. He’s trying to make small talk so she exclaims, “I’m a dancer! I love to dance!” It’s true; most people who are something love to do the things they do. I think we’re back to Moulin Rouge Paris thing, maybe. I’m confused by the geography involved. They dance and there are fireworks, apparently a whirlwind romance has taken place, they must at the “Taking a poo with the door open” stage of their relationship by now.

She has to leave him, because Nicole Kidman wouldn’t be seen dead with Mr Gritty, and she’s back at the premier for her movie. Personally, I think that’s quite rude. She already did a runner, and now expects everyone to turn up again and do it all over. She’s walking up the red carpet and turns around to see Mr Gritty, who happens to be on a rooftop, on the other side of the city. I’m pretty sure it’s all New York and not Paris now, maybe the Moulin Rouge place relocated? The press all surround her, there must be a good 500 of them this time, their 1950s cameras are all flashing away and it zooms in on her necklace with the ‘No.5’ logo in diamonds. Nobody has seemed to realise that this necklace is actually on backwards so the pendant is on her back and not her chest. I think this is so we don’t get a zoom in on her knockers, which is weird because her shoulders stick out more.

That “I’m not going to be the person you expect me to be anymore” advert.

I had to ask friends what the product was on this advert, because I couldn’t work it out. If I didn’t have the video open elsewhere I still wouldn’t be able to tell you. I was told Martin Scorsese directed it. Looking at his IMDb page, he made quite a few films that I have no desire of watching.

So, we have this bloke, I think he might be a footballer, this time he deffo is in New York, running through a subway after some girl. I’ve seen other movies of blokes chasing girls through dark alleys; I’m not sure why Chanel would like to associate with them. But no, don’t worry, he’s not one of ‘those’, he’s in a film. Actually, the whole thing is in a press conference. They’re shining the film in his face using a projector, this way you can see the film and the man being interviewed. This can do terrible damage to the eyes; please don’t try to recreate this at home. He’s now in some sort of hotel room with some very unhappy looking women, I think the whole press conference was in his head, this is a great advert for mental illness. He leans in to kiss her and is thinking about some other women or I think it’s another women. Might be the same, but she’s not having any of that she walks off, and despite it being first thing in the morning, is wearing a lovely dress. Maybe they’ve been out all night? I don’t know about you, but most mornings people are lucky to find me with clean pants and a t-shirt, or hoody if it’s cold.

He then says the attempted-to-be ‘iconic’ “I’m not going to be the man you expect me to be”, or something like that to the press. I’m not entirely sure who he is, he might be a footballer, he looks like a footballer. Or maybe a tennis player? The sides of the conference room fall down and he does a runner.

So, the Christmas message is if you spritz on this smelly stuff, it’s great for telling your misses to get stuffed for not letting you cheat on her. Damn straight.

£4.99 chocolate caterpillar cake from ASDA (or your local supermarket).

A seductive Chocolate Caterpillar Cake

Just look at it, with its beady eyes, looking up at you. Do you remember the story of ‘The Hungry Caterpillar’? I think that is what this famous cake is based on. Generally it’s made with a chocolate frosting and dry chocolate sponge. It is the sexiest price possible, £4.99. This is important as despite market fluctuations and global downturn, it is a consistent giver. There is a very important etiquette to lusting over a £4.99 chocolate caterpillar cake from ASDA. For starters, the ‘birthday boy/girl’ gets to have the head piece. That is the best bit, lovely fondue. Just look at the way there are ridges in the way the cake is made, perfect for cutting into slices. Are you going to get a piece with three smarties and two feet, or is it going to be your lucky, lucky, LUCKY, day; and have more?

I don’t think anything could be more appealing than opening up that box of cake, pulling out the green tin foil tray, and then lightening some candles. It’s not your birthday, but you’ll feel like it is, especially if you get some candles that say ‘Happy Birthday’ on.

Traffic Warden Roll play

COR BLIMEY GUV'NOR !

I’m just going to copy’n’paste on here a post I made

I fucking love traffic warden role-play. I put on my traffic warden costume (I’m not a really one, I got one from here), and get my partner to park just inside some double yellow lines. I get my Psion, little notebook and casio digital camera. I take some photos of him parking in the lines. I make sure I get the right measurements and put them into the PDA.

I then go for a walk for a little bit, about half an hour plus ten minutes grace, and I come back and start writing a ticket. My partner, in the mean time, comes back from the pub and sees me writing this down. He then comes at me, all manly and butch, shouting, “You can’t give me a ticket!” “Sorry sir, you’re in the double yellows, and I’ve already started writing it down”, “Please man, I need this car, and I can’t afford to pay the fine”. We then have a heated debate as to my self worth, he calls me a jobsworth cunt and all that, and I act calm and rationally. It ends with me giving him a ticket.

Then within 28 days, I go around to his house, he could be doing anything at the time, and I tell him “You’ve got to pay the fine”. I then get another friend to play the part of a junior court clerk so we can play a bit of role-play contesting the fine.

I won’t get into all the sex part of thing on here, don’t want people to think I’m weird, but it doesn’t take much imagination to see where it can fit in. Loads of opportunity to have sex in those 28 days.

Jenga; and other family board games… except Cloud, that’s just sick.

Look at the size of that one !

Picture it, just me and you, sitting around the table. There are a whole bunch of board games in the cupboard, what one will we play? Hungry Hippos? Kaplunk? Should we…., no, we can’t do that; it’s not even the weekend. Ok then, I’ll get the jenga out. 54 wooden blocks, minus the 2 we “lost” the last time, all approximately three times longer than it is wide, it’s height approximately half it’s width. The lovingly printed ‘Jenga’ written down the sides. It’s just asking for sexy-fun-times. The way you lay out three blocks side by side, and then another layer on top but facing the other way. The way you have to have a very steady hand and a good eye for structural integrity. Is it going to fall? Is it going to stay up? I just don’t know. With each brick pull, the anticipation of the potential destruction of 15 minutes work. As you watch your partner “Pulling a jenga brick”, you must remain quiet as to not distract them. Just watch the perspiration on their forehead.

I meet a girl once who was also into this sort of thing, her big one was Cluedo. Now, I’m no prude, so I thought I would give it a go, see what it was all about. For all I know, Cluedo could have been the best thing I’ve ever tried. Turned out that it wasn’t for me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking down on anyone who enjoys Cluedo… some of my best friends enjoy Cluedo… but I couldn’t get over the fact that someone in the room was a murderer, and a few people were accusing me of such things! I was quite shocked at first; I would never do such a thing. I think it was a set-up, because when I looked at the card that told me I had killed that poor lady with the candlestick in the game’s room; well, I just couldn’t recall doing that. In the end, I exclaimed to my harem of players “I’m just not into necrophilia” and left the room.

The finished dish: A bit of summer on a dark day.

While watching my Ma’s Pin-up boy, Nigel Slater, this week, I got hullushing (longing for) over something fresh, green and summery. I love the way he cooks with things that anyone can get in their local shops. You’ll never see him cooking with some Asian spice that can only be found after a hike up the Himalayas; one that closely resembles basic mild curry powder in all forms but price and availability. I can’t see myself in the near future being an enthusiast for gardening, but I must admit, should I do find myself with green fingers, I would focus on the edible.

I can’t remember what part of this I made up myself, and what part I’ve copied from his show, but that’s part of the joy of cooking for yourself and friends; nobody cares if what you cook doesn’t exactly match the description, or you’ve run out of an ingredient and substitute it for another. You cook what you enjoy, not what some book or television incest’s.

For this dish, you will need

• Frozen Petti Pois peas; they’re frozen on the field and that locks in the sweetness. Several times I’ve bought these and most of them are brown, this is generally because they have been left out in a stock room rather than going straight to the freezer. Return them if you find this is the case.
• Corn on the cob, taken off the cob…or tinned sweetcorn. Either way, I’m not bothered.
• Some dried pasta; to make life easy, you can boil this and the above all at once, if you use fresh pasta then by the time the other stuff is cooked, then the pasta would have turned to mush. Besides, it’s cheaper. I quite like Bow Ties for this dish. The pasta is optional; great for a main dish, leave out if using as a side dish.
• Some mustard. Nothing strong like English Mustard, keep it light like Dijon or Grainy for an added texture.
• Spring Onion and Chives. The chives really add an oomph to it, and besides, they’re my buzz-ingredient of the moment.
• Crème Fresh. Yes, I’ve seen the Southpark. Yes, they’ve got me pegged on this one. I suppose you could use Greek Yoghurt instead, although I’ve not tried that.
• Mint: Gotta love the mint, it makes everything taste of summer despite the days growing darker earlier.

How to put it together:

• Get the kettle on, it’s always best to boil water from a hot kettle, it makes things move so much faster, I can’t be arsed bringing a pan to the boil straight from the tap.
• When you’ve got a saucepan of water boiling, dump into it the peas, sweetcorn and pasta if you’re using it. Add a bit of salt; I’ll be honest, I don’t know why they insist that pasta is boiled with salt, on a flavour basis I can’t tell the difference. I think it’s something to do with lowering the boiling point. The advantage of doing all this in one means there is less washing up.
• Chop up the mint, spring onion and chives. Make sure you wash them and squidge out most of the water so it doesn’t make your sauce go runny.
• Add a 2:1 ratio of Crème Fresh and the mustard; mix in the spring onion and herbs and taste. If you think it needs a bit of salt or something, then add that now, personally though, I thought it was fine.
• Try a bit of pasta, if it’s too your liking, then the peas and sweetcorn would be done. Pour the lot out into a colander and return to the now empty saucepan.
• Add the crème fresh mix, stir the whole lot so everything is covered (without being drenched)
• Serve and enjoy =)

Some pictures…. sorry about the poor quality; I was lazy and used my phone camera

All the bits'n'bobs you need.

Chives, Spring Onion and Mint... use scissors.

Peas, Sweetcorn and pasta - All In One

Mix that bad boy up.

Pasta, Peas and Sweetcorn.

Mix it up so you get a bit of everything with each bite.

The finished dish: A bit of summer on a dark day.

The Television

Living on my own

I could watch what I want, when I want. Nobody complained about me watching two hours of Hollyoaks a day (today’s one, tomorrow’s one, then all again on +1) and the rest of the time I could watch cooking all day long. The trouble is that soon you realise that you’re not laughing at the funny bits. You think to yourself “lol” instead of actually laughing. (Mum: if you’re reading this, ‘lol’ stands for ‘laughing out loud’ now, not ‘lots of love’…. lol.).

Watching tv on my own.

Living with friends

Thankfully I now live with friends who like similar interests in television to me. They’ve infected me with F1 Fever, but I don’t understand much more than the ones who get around the track first are the best. I think I can’t even blink as fast as the difference some of the stuff makes. I keep on asking questions that I’m told are stupid. Apparently the most stupid one is that I reckon at least one driver has used a modified version of a playstation game to practice in their hotel bedrooms, it sounds plausible, right? I also can’t work out what stuff makes a difference or not, so I ask things like “Does the vinyl stickers from the sponsors make a difference?” and “What happens if they need to use the lavatory?… All those vibrations over a long time would probably make me need to go.”

As revenge, ‘S’ is now interested in the daily going-ons in Chester and although none of us would admit it, there were wet eyes when Steph died the other week. I’m still trying to inflict it on ‘R’, but it’s not happening, I think it’s because he is nostalgic for the days of Chloe, who went on to write this: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fat-Girl-22Hollyoaks-22-Mikyla-Dodd/dp/0340935472

Watching tv with friends.

Living with Mum

There is some serious politics going on when I stay around my ma’s place, in regards to the television. We both have a mental list of shows that we like and the other doesn’t, and we have a list of ‘neutral’ shows, stuff we both like. For every show I pick that she doesn’t like, she gets to watch one of hers. It may sound petty, but her shows are normally a few hours long, and we judge it on a per-show basis. She also counts the time when she’s out at a friends place. This is deeply unfair on me, but I have a few tricks of my own. She thinks I really don’t like Law&Order, but I don’t mind it in truth*, this way I get to watch Hollyoaks. My general rule of thumb for something I hate but she likes is “If it’s on ITV3, two hours long, has a detective and is based in a village in England”. I just can’t relate to films or television shows based in small villages, casinos or forests. She’s tried to do the same to me, claiming she doesn’t like cooking shows, but I know she’s got a bit of a soft spot for Nigel Slater

* I’m not giving away the real name of the shows I don’t mind but she likes, I’m keeping those cards private.

Watching TV with mum

What to eat

Living on your own

Baked Beans, cheese, potato and jellipinos... what's wrong with that?

Cooking for one is a bit shit, normally there are loads to throw away and I just can’t be bothered for it. Once a month I would cook something special, but in general I can’t be arsed. This can sometimes lead to wonderful creations, such as “Potato and Beans… Thing”. I would get some baby potatoes, put it in a dish, and cover with beans and a few jellopinos, top with cheese and bake for an hour or soo. The reaction I got from displaying this culinary creation was far worst than the result. Reactions to this include:-

• it looks like a mong has been let loose in the kitchen and told to feed itself
• I can’t look at it without crying a little bit for you
• That’s a bowl of spasticity if I’ve ever seen it.

I actually missed things like Sunday Lunches when I lived on my own, which is weird, because I find them mostly dull and boring, unless there are loads of Yorkshire puddings and gravy.

It’s allowed for me to think of lots interesting things that I could never put into practice, such as The Everlasting Desert. Don’t dismiss this one, it’s got potential, one day I shall UNLESH THE CULONARY DRAGON. You get a tiny ball of cream cheese, batter, deep fry, cover in peanut butter, batter, deep fry, cover in nutella, batter, deep fry, cover in mashed banana, batter, deep fry, cover in caramel, let it set, batter, deep fry, cover in….. etc etc, until you have a rugby ball. Slice that baby up like a watermelon and enjoy! I think it’ll work; one day I shall create this.

Living with Friends

This is great if you have people you can inflict food on. It’s easier to cook for two or three than it is for one. All our tastes are pretty similar, except my intense dislike for Tuna. There are a few ‘weird’ things that I like that ‘R’ doesn’t, but ‘S’ seems to enjoy everything I’ve made so far. ‘T&C’, my old flatmates, sometimes would enjoy my creations, and would come up with a few of their own. The general rule of thumb is that as long as I tidy as I go, someone else will do the cleaning up if I do the making of it. We tend to split things quite evenly in regards to paying for things, I would pay for bits and bobs, and someone else would pay for other bits. Which is great because I normally make enough for two or three and throwing stuff away anyway; but now it’s not costing as much ‘cus other people are eating it.

Nobody complains when I get a take away, except for myself, when I attempt to justify it, when there is no reason too. Just the other week I phoned up ma’ and declared to her “Ma’, I’m an adult. If I wanted to join the army, then I could. I can die for this country. I’m old enough to have a child in secondary school; legally. I pay my own bills and earn my own money. If I wanted to drive a big truck, like an artic lorry, age would not be the thing stopping me. I’ve called you to tell you that tonight I shall be getting Sushi for dinner, and I’m not going to justify it to you or anyone else…. Ok ma’, I know, I know, yeah’, yeah’, I just felt I needed to tell someone. Ok. Love you loads… bye-bye.”

Brave friends trying out my sometimes dubious looking food.

Living with Mum

This is a winner, if your mum is a good cook, which my one is. Except if you fancy a take away and have to justify it. It’s great that you can ask them to get you a glass of squash and as if by magic it appears. On the other hand, even though there are 10 ashtrays in a one-bedroom bungalow for one person; they magically disappear beyond reach every time you go to light up. Her kitchen is always stocked to a level I can never achieve though; she has all kinds of exotic ingredients such as two kinds of Olive Oil, Smoked Salmon and a jar or questionable pickles.

Ma's Steak and Chips.

Tidying up

Living on your own

Meh’, why do today what you can do tomorrow. Until eventually you’re ashamed to even get pizza delivered.

Living with friends

This all depends on the type of people you live with. I used to live with someone, and there was a stand off. On principal people wouldn’t clean up after anyone else until there was a Showdown in the Wild Wild West and we had to get a cleaner in every week. I was no saint, but I’m adamant that I was not the worst (despite the evidence). The worst thing about this is that we have a dishwasher. Now I’m living with some really awesome people though, so it is all working out cleaning wise. No one begrudges the other when they have to wash their plate, and nothing gets left out for more than 24 hours. There was ‘words’ in regards to the cleaning of the bathroom though, which came down to basic genetics… women are clean and men are dirty sods.

Living with Mum

When I go to my mums and stay the night, I ask if I can ‘crash round’, this has turned into a literal expression, as I tend to dump my stuff where I am. Ma’, being a ma’, will always feel the need to deep clean on a weekly basis, and it makes her happy, I just time it so I crash ‘round the day before rather than the day after.

Bringing Girls Home

Living on your own

Sad Times. This is a good thing considering the state of the place I was living in.

Living with friends

Sad Times… with added whooping and hollering, and the awkward conversations for the next few days.

Living with mum

Sad Times… with added “Oh thank goodness, I thought he was a feygela. I can still be a grandma one day!”

Like so many of us have done on yet another Friday night alone at home, I’ve gone through my friend’s friends on facebook, ignoring anyone with a male name, clicked their profile, went straight to the ‘relationship status’ and gone through each and every single photo of anyone listed as “Single” or “It’s Complicated”, and maybe “Divorced” too, because at my grand old age of 27, that category has suddenly opened up. I would include ‘Widowed’ too, but I think I’m a bit young for that. The rules are half your age plus seven, so that’s anyone between twenty and a half (but anyone who counts ‘half’ automatically gets put off the list) and…. forty-seven.

That’s a pretty wide demographic; it covers everyone from fans of Hollyoaks to fans of Prime Minister’s Question Time. From Dizzee Rascal to Simon and Garfunkel. From Heat magazine to the Daily Mail (“only ‘cus I like the crossword”). People who remember what it was like to hate Thature to people who can’t remember the first Big Brother… probably. Surely there has to be someone out there.

So, what is it a guy like me has to offer to a very lucky lady?

My Generosity

My generosity knows no bounds.

As you can see from this photographic evidence, I am a very generous person. This week alone I’ve bought 3 poppies. The first one was because I bought sushi from the fabulous but very expensive (to me) sushi place down the road. I felt a tad guilty for this luxury, so thought the universe would balance out karma wise if I buy a poppy.

I wore it with pride for a couple of days and I wasn’t bothered by shaky tin people, until I noticed they were shaking their tins at me again. At some point I must have lost my badge of caring. In order to stop the pangs of guilt when walking past them, I emptied my penny section of my wallet and got another one. Alas, the look of acceptance amongst my fellow Londoner turned to shaky tin and scorn again, so there goes my change; I was looking forward to getting a can of ‘V’ drink when I got home too.

This third time though, I was going to get value for money, I decided to use the little pin they give you to go through the red bit and though my jacket. Fabulous, this one isn’t going anywhere. The next morning while at Kings Cross waiting for my train to Farringdon, some very important person barged right past me and it tore. I was horrified, worst than people thinking that I’m an apathetic Londoner, they’ll see the now tatty poppy and give me The Tut of Disapproval. So I binned that one while no body was looking and got the one I have to this moment.

I’m a published photographer and model.

I'm a published model and photographer !

I have had my ‘art’ (or ‘work’, what sound’s better? ‘Work’ or ‘art’?) Published in several places, such as my friend Julian’s facebook wall, and my friend Sam’s Flickr, which gets an audience of several billion trillion people. Apparently Google and YouTube have also featured me.

I am the very definition of Vogue.

The very height of fashion.

As you can see by my outfit here, I am at the very epicentre of fashion. I’m also a man who’s not afraid to order a fruity cocktail and a cheap cigar. If Del Boy can order one, then so can I.

I’m not chubby enough to fill John Prescott’s wheel chair.

Not big enough to fill John Prescott's wheelchair.

No explanation needed.

I have an amazing body

What a hunk !

Some people have to work at their bodies, going to the gym every day, some people are naturally good looking…. I, on the other hand, know Photoshop.

So there we have it, I’m quite a catch, so now it’s time to find me a misses !