Rule 34 of the Internet suggests that if there is a pornographic version of everything you can imagine. This has lead me over the years to ‘troll’ certain message boards with ‘fanfic’ (text porn) of stuff that I can’t imagine there being a sexual link too.  I’m hoping by listing the various things I’ve made into a fetish, perhaps someone out there maybe might possibly feel the same way I appear to feel; and share in the lust that is irrelevant-to-sexy.

£4.99 chocolate caterpillar cake from ASDA (or your local supermarket).

A seductive Chocolate Caterpillar Cake

Just look at it, with its beady eyes, looking up at you. Do you remember the story of ‘The Hungry Caterpillar’? I think that is what this famous cake is based on. Generally it’s made with a chocolate frosting and dry chocolate sponge. It is the sexiest price possible, £4.99. This is important as despite market fluctuations and global downturn, it is a consistent giver. There is a very important etiquette to lusting over a £4.99 chocolate caterpillar cake from ASDA. For starters, the ‘birthday boy/girl’ gets to have the head piece. That is the best bit, lovely fondue. Just look at the way there are ridges in the way the cake is made, perfect for cutting into slices. Are you going to get a piece with three smarties and two feet, or is it going to be your lucky, lucky, LUCKY, day; and have more?

I don’t think anything could be more appealing than opening up that box of cake, pulling out the green tin foil tray, and then lightening some candles. It’s not your birthday, but you’ll feel like it is, especially if you get some candles that say ‘Happy Birthday’ on.

Traffic Warden Roll play

COR BLIMEY GUV'NOR !

I’m just going to copy’n’paste on here a post I made

I fucking love traffic warden role-play. I put on my traffic warden costume (I’m not a really one, I got one from here), and get my partner to park just inside some double yellow lines. I get my Psion, little notebook and casio digital camera. I take some photos of him parking in the lines. I make sure I get the right measurements and put them into the PDA.

I then go for a walk for a little bit, about half an hour plus ten minutes grace, and I come back and start writing a ticket. My partner, in the mean time, comes back from the pub and sees me writing this down. He then comes at me, all manly and butch, shouting, “You can’t give me a ticket!” “Sorry sir, you’re in the double yellows, and I’ve already started writing it down”, “Please man, I need this car, and I can’t afford to pay the fine”. We then have a heated debate as to my self worth, he calls me a jobsworth cunt and all that, and I act calm and rationally. It ends with me giving him a ticket.

Then within 28 days, I go around to his house, he could be doing anything at the time, and I tell him “You’ve got to pay the fine”. I then get another friend to play the part of a junior court clerk so we can play a bit of role-play contesting the fine.

I won’t get into all the sex part of thing on here, don’t want people to think I’m weird, but it doesn’t take much imagination to see where it can fit in. Loads of opportunity to have sex in those 28 days.

Jenga; and other family board games… except Cloud, that’s just sick.

Look at the size of that one !

Picture it, just me and you, sitting around the table. There are a whole bunch of board games in the cupboard, what one will we play? Hungry Hippos? Kaplunk? Should we…., no, we can’t do that; it’s not even the weekend. Ok then, I’ll get the jenga out. 54 wooden blocks, minus the 2 we “lost” the last time, all approximately three times longer than it is wide, it’s height approximately half it’s width. The lovingly printed ‘Jenga’ written down the sides. It’s just asking for sexy-fun-times. The way you lay out three blocks side by side, and then another layer on top but facing the other way. The way you have to have a very steady hand and a good eye for structural integrity. Is it going to fall? Is it going to stay up? I just don’t know. With each brick pull, the anticipation of the potential destruction of 15 minutes work. As you watch your partner “Pulling a jenga brick”, you must remain quiet as to not distract them. Just watch the perspiration on their forehead.

I meet a girl once who was also into this sort of thing, her big one was Cluedo. Now, I’m no prude, so I thought I would give it a go, see what it was all about. For all I know, Cluedo could have been the best thing I’ve ever tried. Turned out that it wasn’t for me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking down on anyone who enjoys Cluedo… some of my best friends enjoy Cluedo… but I couldn’t get over the fact that someone in the room was a murderer, and a few people were accusing me of such things! I was quite shocked at first; I would never do such a thing. I think it was a set-up, because when I looked at the card that told me I had killed that poor lady with the candlestick in the game’s room; well, I just couldn’t recall doing that. In the end, I exclaimed to my harem of players “I’m just not into necrophilia” and left the room.

I’ve been asking myself lately, how does a guy like me go about getting the girl of his dreams? Well, first I need to find out exactly what I can bring to the table. Why should someone good looking, with a great personality and has all similar interests to me, like me of all people?

Like so many of us have done on yet another Friday night alone at home, I’ve gone through my friend’s friends on facebook, ignoring anyone with a male name, clicked their profile, went straight to the ‘relationship status’ and gone through each and every single photo of anyone listed as “Single” or “It’s Complicated”, and maybe “Divorced” too, because at my grand old age of 27, that category has suddenly opened up. I would include ‘Widowed’ too, but I think I’m a bit young for that. The rules are half your age plus seven, so that’s anyone between twenty and a half (but anyone who counts ‘half’ automatically gets put off the list) and…. forty-seven.

That’s a pretty wide demographic; it covers everyone from fans of Hollyoaks to fans of Prime Minister’s Question Time. From Dizzee Rascal to Simon and Garfunkel. From Heat magazine to the Daily Mail (“only ‘cus I like the crossword”). People who remember what it was like to hate Thature to people who can’t remember the first Big Brother… probably. Surely there has to be someone out there.

So, what is it a guy like me has to offer to a very lucky lady?

My Generosity

My generosity knows no bounds.

As you can see from this photographic evidence, I am a very generous person. This week alone I’ve bought 3 poppies. The first one was because I bought sushi from the fabulous but very expensive (to me) sushi place down the road. I felt a tad guilty for this luxury, so thought the universe would balance out karma wise if I buy a poppy.

I wore it with pride for a couple of days and I wasn’t bothered by shaky tin people, until I noticed they were shaking their tins at me again. At some point I must have lost my badge of caring. In order to stop the pangs of guilt when walking past them, I emptied my penny section of my wallet and got another one. Alas, the look of acceptance amongst my fellow Londoner turned to shaky tin and scorn again, so there goes my change; I was looking forward to getting a can of ‘V’ drink when I got home too.

This third time though, I was going to get value for money, I decided to use the little pin they give you to go through the red bit and though my jacket. Fabulous, this one isn’t going anywhere. The next morning while at Kings Cross waiting for my train to Farringdon, some very important person barged right past me and it tore. I was horrified, worst than people thinking that I’m an apathetic Londoner, they’ll see the now tatty poppy and give me The Tut of Disapproval. So I binned that one while no body was looking and got the one I have to this moment.

I’m a published photographer and model.

I'm a published model and photographer !

I have had my ‘art’ (or ‘work’, what sound’s better? ‘Work’ or ‘art’?) Published in several places, such as my friend Julian’s facebook wall, and my friend Sam’s Flickr, which gets an audience of several billion trillion people. Apparently Google and YouTube have also featured me.

I am the very definition of Vogue.

The very height of fashion.

As you can see by my outfit here, I am at the very epicentre of fashion. I’m also a man who’s not afraid to order a fruity cocktail and a cheap cigar. If Del Boy can order one, then so can I.

I’m not chubby enough to fill John Prescott’s wheel chair.

Not big enough to fill John Prescott's wheelchair.

No explanation needed.

I have an amazing body

What a hunk !

Some people have to work at their bodies, going to the gym every day, some people are naturally good looking…. I, on the other hand, know Photoshop.

So there we have it, I’m quite a catch, so now it’s time to find me a misses !

I’ve gotten passionate and started writting letters to people, here are the first three.

• An open letter to every sushi bar IN THE WORLD.
• An open letter to Subway.
• An open letter to Tescos

Enjoy =)