Rule 34 of the Internet suggests that if there is a pornographic version of everything you can imagine. This has lead me over the years to ‘troll’ certain message boards with ‘fanfic’ (text porn) of stuff that I can’t imagine there being a sexual link too.  I’m hoping by listing the various things I’ve made into a fetish, perhaps someone out there maybe might possibly feel the same way I appear to feel; and share in the lust that is irrelevant-to-sexy.

£4.99 chocolate caterpillar cake from ASDA (or your local supermarket).

Just look at it, with its beady eyes, looking up at you. Do you remember the story of ‘The Hungry Caterpillar’? I think that is what this famous cake is based on. Generally it’s made with a chocolate frosting and dry chocolate sponge. It is the sexiest price possible, £4.99. This is important as despite market fluctuations and global downturn, it is a consistent giver. There is a very important etiquette to lusting over a £4.99 chocolate caterpillar cake from ASDA. For starters, the ‘birthday boy/girl’ gets to have the head piece. That is the best bit, lovely fondue. Just look at the way there are ridges in the way the cake is made, perfect for cutting into slices. Are you going to get a piece with three smarties and two feet, or is it going to be your lucky, lucky, LUCKY, day; and have more?

I don’t think anything could be more appealing than opening up that box of cake, pulling out the green tin foil tray, and then lightening some candles. It’s not your birthday, but you’ll feel like it is, especially if you get some candles that say ‘Happy Birthday’ on.

Traffic Warden Roll play

I’m just going to copy’n’paste on here a post I made

I fucking love traffic warden role-play. I put on my traffic warden costume (I’m not a really one, I got one from here), and get my partner to park just inside some double yellow lines. I get my Psion, little notebook and casio digital camera. I take some photos of him parking in the lines. I make sure I get the right measurements and put them into the PDA.

I then go for a walk for a little bit, about half an hour plus ten minutes grace, and I come back and start writing a ticket. My partner, in the mean time, comes back from the pub and sees me writing this down. He then comes at me, all manly and butch, shouting, “You can’t give me a ticket!” “Sorry sir, you’re in the double yellows, and I’ve already started writing it down”, “Please man, I need this car, and I can’t afford to pay the fine”. We then have a heated debate as to my self worth, he calls me a jobsworth cunt and all that, and I act calm and rationally. It ends with me giving him a ticket.

Then within 28 days, I go around to his house, he could be doing anything at the time, and I tell him “You’ve got to pay the fine”. I then get another friend to play the part of a junior court clerk so we can play a bit of role-play contesting the fine.

I won’t get into all the sex part of thing on here, don’t want people to think I’m weird, but it doesn’t take much imagination to see where it can fit in. Loads of opportunity to have sex in those 28 days.

Jenga; and other family board games… except Cloud, that’s just sick.

Picture it, just me and you, sitting around the table. There are a whole bunch of board games in the cupboard, what one will we play? Hungry Hippos? Kaplunk? Should we…., no, we can’t do that; it’s not even the weekend. Ok then, I’ll get the jenga out. 54 wooden blocks, minus the 2 we “lost” the last time, all approximately three times longer than it is wide, it’s height approximately half it’s width. The lovingly printed ‘Jenga’ written down the sides. It’s just asking for sexy-fun-times. The way you lay out three blocks side by side, and then another layer on top but facing the other way. The way you have to have a very steady hand and a good eye for structural integrity. Is it going to fall? Is it going to stay up? I just don’t know. With each brick pull, the anticipation of the potential destruction of 15 minutes work. As you watch your partner “Pulling a jenga brick”, you must remain quiet as to not distract them. Just watch the perspiration on their forehead.

I meet a girl once who was also into this sort of thing, her big one was Cluedo. Now, I’m no prude, so I thought I would give it a go, see what it was all about. For all I know, Cluedo could have been the best thing I’ve ever tried. Turned out that it wasn’t for me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking down on anyone who enjoys Cluedo… some of my best friends enjoy Cluedo… but I couldn’t get over the fact that someone in the room was a murderer, and a few people were accusing me of such things! I was quite shocked at first; I would never do such a thing. I think it was a set-up, because when I looked at the card that told me I had killed that poor lady with the candlestick in the game’s room; well, I just couldn’t recall doing that. In the end, I exclaimed to my harem of players “I’m just not into necrophilia” and left the room.

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 12th, 2010 at 7:52 pm You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.