It’s Christmas time, and it’s time for another assault of smelly stuff adverts on the telly. They all claim to be the vogue of design, an epicentre of luxury. They remind plebs like you and me that we can inspire to be more than what we are. They generally have the latest heartthrob, such as “That bloke from lost” or “That guy who plays football” looking all ‘raw’ and ‘gritty’. They’re doing something typical that everyone does, such as being on a secluded beech when oh-gee-oh-gosh, there is someone attractive of their desired sex. Naturally this object of affection wouldn’t fancy them in they pong a bit, so they spray on the sprtiz and ‘get the girl’. It’s pure dullard central. I think they expect us to put on a bit of spritz and then pull the female lead of “That show that was on telly a few years ago”.

Davidoff Cool Water.

Look, it’s the raw and gritty one from Lost, there he is minding his own business bowling down a harbour. Oh wow, someone is spraying water about at the people, but no, I’m not going to get pissed off that I’ve been soaked by some guy working on a shipping yard splashing water all over me, fuck the fact that my wallet and phone are ruined, I’m going to laugh and bowl a bit more. Oh man, suddenly there is that tart I used to work with, I think, I’m not entirely sure because her character was called “Generic Fit Girl”. She’s soaking wet too, I would launch a complaint against the shipping yard, and they’re all soaking! Sure, it’s a hot day, it would be nice to be cooled down by some water Oh, I just got the point of it, ‘cool water’, it’s a hot day, they’re being splashed down with cool water, that’s the name of the product, how symbolic.

Suddenly he is standing by the edge of a cliff hear the sea, which is no good for a harbour dock, in fact, when launching a boat, it’s generally best for the boat to be at sea level before launching it. Those things are quite heavy; you couldn’t get them up or down a waterfall while keeping the boat’s contents intact. I think we’re all agreed that a terrible place for a shipping yard would be at the top of a cliff.

He strips off his shirt, wouldn’t want it to get wet…. Oh. And dives into the ocean. Don’t worry about the trousers though; they were 3 pairs for £30 from George. I don’t know about you, but I would think twice by diving off a cliff, how does he know there aren’t any shallow rocks? That would cause serious injury. There is even a sign up there saying “Please do not dive off the cliff”, because this remote cliff (well, remote minus great big shipping port) is well known for people who want to jump off into the sea. He’s obviously so cool and edgy that he ignores signs about jumping off cliffs. It’s a local spot for cliff jumpers and suicidals. If you look at when he jumps, you’ll see there is no sort of easily accessible shoreline near the cliff. How is he supposed to get back? I do hope the camera crew will give him a lift.

He’s got the attention of the women on the dock, you can tell by the way the camera turns to her and she looks. I would be thinking, should I have just seen this obviously suicidal man jump off a cliff, “Oh blimey, that man has just jumped off a cliff! I had better go get help!” But it looks like she is thinking differently; she is thinking, “Wow, that man must have a big penis, he just jumped off a cliff!”

So he butterfly stroke swims to shore… the least efficient swimming stroke there is, because now there is a shore for him to go to. He’s back into “Sexy walk” mode, bowling off the beech and cue the product shot.

Chanel No.5

This is a fantastic advert by Chanel; I think it’s the fifth one they made because they call it “No.5”. It stars the very glamorous Nicole Kidman, who has made some amazing films, such as, *checks IMDb*, well, she’s done some very good films. Apparently she used to go out with Tom Cruise.

Anyway, back to the advert, it starts off with a very gritty man who looks like he could do with a shower, but it’s a sexy sort of need-of-shower type, rather than the “I can’t be fucked to shower today” type. There he is, looking over the streets of Paris. Suddenly we’re at the premier of a film and Nicole is in a hurry, she’s wearing an impractically large dress and runs out the cab for the last few minutes. I think we’re in New York’s ‘Time Square’ all of a sudden, that well known place in the heart of Paris. She’s all shocked that the paparazzi are about taking photos; at a premier. They all have cameras from the 1950s despite there being the bright yellow cabs made famous by New York; in Paris.

Apparently she does a runner ‘cus now there are news reports about “That one who played that girl in The Others”. She jumps in a cab again and there is some bloke there, the gritty bloke from before, he’s thinking, “Fuck me, some bint is trying to get into my cab! Look at the fucking dress she’s wearing, there’s no way that is going to fit. Holy shit, it’s Nicole Kidman! I was just watching Bewitched last night on Men4Movies”. She tells the taxi driver “Yo’ Holm, To Bail-Air !”, and he floors it. Personally, I would have stayed in the original car she was in; she doesn’t have a purse on her so maybe she expects Mr Gritty to pay for the fair home.

Then they’re sitting on some rooftop with the Chanel logo in lights, we’re deffo still in New York, or maybe Boston, it just looks like Paris because it’s so dirty. He’s trying to make small talk so she exclaims, “I’m a dancer! I love to dance!” It’s true; most people who are something love to do the things they do. I think we’re back to Moulin Rouge Paris thing, maybe. I’m confused by the geography involved. They dance and there are fireworks, apparently a whirlwind romance has taken place, they must at the “Taking a poo with the door open” stage of their relationship by now.

She has to leave him, because Nicole Kidman wouldn’t be seen dead with Mr Gritty, and she’s back at the premier for her movie. Personally, I think that’s quite rude. She already did a runner, and now expects everyone to turn up again and do it all over. She’s walking up the red carpet and turns around to see Mr Gritty, who happens to be on a rooftop, on the other side of the city. I’m pretty sure it’s all New York and not Paris now, maybe the Moulin Rouge place relocated? The press all surround her, there must be a good 500 of them this time, their 1950s cameras are all flashing away and it zooms in on her necklace with the ‘No.5’ logo in diamonds. Nobody has seemed to realise that this necklace is actually on backwards so the pendant is on her back and not her chest. I think this is so we don’t get a zoom in on her knockers, which is weird because her shoulders stick out more.

That “I’m not going to be the person you expect me to be anymore” advert.

I had to ask friends what the product was on this advert, because I couldn’t work it out. If I didn’t have the video open elsewhere I still wouldn’t be able to tell you. I was told Martin Scorsese directed it. Looking at his IMDb page, he made quite a few films that I have no desire of watching.

So, we have this bloke, I think he might be a footballer, this time he deffo is in New York, running through a subway after some girl. I’ve seen other movies of blokes chasing girls through dark alleys; I’m not sure why Chanel would like to associate with them. But no, don’t worry, he’s not one of ‘those’, he’s in a film. Actually, the whole thing is in a press conference. They’re shining the film in his face using a projector, this way you can see the film and the man being interviewed. This can do terrible damage to the eyes; please don’t try to recreate this at home. He’s now in some sort of hotel room with some very unhappy looking women, I think the whole press conference was in his head, this is a great advert for mental illness. He leans in to kiss her and is thinking about some other women or I think it’s another women. Might be the same, but she’s not having any of that she walks off, and despite it being first thing in the morning, is wearing a lovely dress. Maybe they’ve been out all night? I don’t know about you, but most mornings people are lucky to find me with clean pants and a t-shirt, or hoody if it’s cold.

He then says the attempted-to-be ‘iconic’ “I’m not going to be the man you expect me to be”, or something like that to the press. I’m not entirely sure who he is, he might be a footballer, he looks like a footballer. Or maybe a tennis player? The sides of the conference room fall down and he does a runner.

So, the Christmas message is if you spritz on this smelly stuff, it’s great for telling your misses to get stuffed for not letting you cheat on her. Damn straight.